Embarrassment. 12/21/2008
So, this weekend ended up having two trials, rather than just the one I was expecting.

On Friday, I went to Peter's house and we played some Wii Sports while waiting for Dr. J to arrive. I should mention that I not only beat Peter at the Power Throw, but also beat his record. Anyway, Peter, Dr. J, Peter's wife Becky, Peter's mom, and I all headed out to Perfect North to go tubing at 10-something PM. This is completely normal for us. I was already a little nervous because Peter's mom was going with us, and for those of you who don't know, she has a history of repeatedly attempting to place me in awkward situations. If you read the previous post about my apprehensions about the work Christmas party, you will see that these are very similar fears of mine, and that Peter's mom seeks to prey upon them. I know. It's very strange.

The tubing itself was very fun, as I sort of turned it into "Battle-tubing," where I would try to spin out the other tubers or claw my way up to the front of the chain when we went down as a group. We probably weren't supposed to do that, but no one got in trouble or anything.

So anyway, things were going well, and the group was approaching the lift to the top of the hill. Suddenly, someone ran up behind me and slid on his tube into the back of my legs, taking them out from under me. I wasn't pissed, I was just caught off-guard, but what really made this strange was that it was some random guy. I soon figured out that Peter's mom had convinced the guy to do that to me. Who does that? I told myself that I should have expected it and vowed to be more vigilant.

Later, one of the employees at the bottom of the hill stopped me and told me that I was getting "too rambunctious" and that if I didn't settle down, he'd ask me to leave. However, I was ready for this, and I didn't believe him for a second. He acted really well, almost too well. As I walked away, I kind of thought maybe he could have been serious. Oh well.

If you've made it this far into the entry, you'll be happy to know that it gets even worse. Later, when we were ascending the lift, Peter's mom was at the front of the group, a little ahead of us. I saw her quickly say something to the girl at the top of the lift and walk away. The girl kind of smiled and started to watch me as I approached. It was very obvious to me that something had transpired, so as I got close to her I said, "I don't know what she told you to do, but don't do it." It turns out that Peter's mom had told her to ask me out on a date. What the hork?! Man. That was a new level of awkwardness. I had to avoid the girl the rest of the night.

That marked the end of Peter's mom's shenanigans, but one other embarrassing thing happened during the night. During one of our battle tubing runs, I made a grab for Peter's tube, but missed and got off balance. I ended up falling out of my tube and skidding onto the hill. I lost my tube and slid a good distance, and kind of scraped up my arm, but not badly. I finally stopped and ran off to the side of the hill and walked the rest of the way down, where the employees jeered at me. I thought my tube had slid all the way down, but it had stopped about 3/4 the way, and one of the employees went out to get it. I felt like a jerk for not getting it myself. So that was great. Despite all the awkwardness, the tubing was still fun.

I arrived home to Mike W.'s ugly sweater party that was still going on at our place. I was glad that I got to at least see some of the people there before it ended, but I was also really horking hungry and all the food had been et. Anyway, a few people commented that it looked like I had been working out (since I have been) and I got more embarrassed. I know it was a compliment, but I don't like to be the center of attention. Eventually, everyone left and I went to bed.

The next day, I went shopping with my mom to try to get her a present, since she's very difficult to buy for. The trip was not eventful and the traffic was terrible, so I'll skip it.

Fast forward to about 6:30 PM, when I left my place for my stupid horking work Christmas party, where a jacket is required, and a date is expected. At least I have one of those things. It was downtown at some really old place called the Cincinnati Club, so I hooked up my GPS since downtown is a horking maze of one-way streets. I arrived at the place and the valet parking dude took my car, so I didn't have to try to park somewhere. That was a huge relief.

I arrived earlier than most other people and headed over to the open bar and got some Coke. Some of my coworkers were already getting started on some drinks and I talked with them a little. Luckily, the people already present were some people that I can talk to decently, and it wasn't too terrible.

Then everyone else arrived and I started to feel pretty awkward. I just never know what to say once the initial conversation starts to slow down. I don't know what to talk to old people about. However, I was very fortunate that one of my coworkers (whose wife was unable to attend) hung around with me and did a lot of the hard work with the conversations. I think he knew that I wasn't doing too well, and I am very thankful for his help. At one point, the wife of one of my coworkers said that I "didn't look like a computer guy." I wasn't sure how to interpret that, but she assured me it was a good thing. Not sure what that was about. My boss also talked to me some, but I talk to him every day, so it was fine.

I was approaching "social overload" (coined by the famous Robert T. Hamilton) and the awkwardness was getting to be a little too much, so I kind of migrated to the edge of the room against a wall. I'm sure I looked stupid, but I only got called a wallflower once. Finally, my companion coworker decided it was time to sit down at our table and eight of us headed over. One of the guys at my table started to talk in a drunk voice and it was horking hilarious. I tried to convince him to give a speech in the voice, but he decided not to. One of my female coworkers, however, did end up drinking quite a bit and said some interesting things, which I shall not repeat.

Dinner was served, and it was was really horking good. There was steak, potato salad, and a lot of other junk and I basically tried to eat as much as I could. After eating, the Prez got up and gave a long-winded speech about how he met the three Vice-prezes, and then each of them "got" to give a speech. It was actually kind of interesting to hear their stories, as one of them started out partying at a frat house while talking to the Prez, and ended up with a job. After that, my boss told me it that I had "done my time" and it was okay to leave. And that was my cue to bolt. I said goodbye to the people at my table, got my loot bag full of swag, and got the hork out.

I made it safely back home, thanks again to the GPS. Unfortunately, my loot bag was clearly meant for an old person (since I'm the only young person there) and most of the items aren't really useful to me - a Honey Baked Ham gift card (I don't cook), a Bigg's gift card (no Bigg's near me), a "dip chiller" which I guess I might use, a fancy metal coffee mug (I don't drink coffee), and some kind of expensive cigar (I don't smoke). Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for all the loot and I think it's very nice to give all that junk to the employees - it's just targeted at an older crowd since everyone there except me is ancient. Maybe not ancient, but you get the idea.

So anyway, this weekend was basically filled with embarrassment ad nauseam and I'm looking forward the holidays this week.

4 responses to "Embarrassment."

    12/22/2008 1:55:00 AM
Peter's mom is awesome.
    12/22/2008 8:43:58 AM
Was the girl that was told to ask you out cute? Oh, and Honey Baked Ham is really good, you don't even have to cook. Just cut it up and eat it. Om nom nom nom.
    12/24/2008 8:26:34 AM
What da hork is up with Peter's mom? I can't believe she would get those random people to do that to ya. Seems pretty horked up. Sounds like you survived the X-mas party without anything terrible happening. It even sounds like you enjoyed yourself a bit. Was it as bad as you were expecting?
    12/24/2008 9:27:01 AM
Nate: NOPE. Glenn: Yes, but things had already gone to hork. Luke: Peter's mom is weird. I have no other explanation. And the party was not as bad as I thought it would be, but still not good. At some points I did actually enjoy myself because my "companion coworker" said some pretty horked up things and was called a "sick individual."

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