Top Ten Things I Hate About Facebook Profiles


You knew it was coming - it's been too long since I posted a needlessly negative rant about something. So, without further ado, I present to you the second installment of the top ten things I hate about something. Enjoy.

#10: Insufficient Information

To be clearer, this is when a person has filled in very few fields in his or her profile. This person needs to realize that the main function of Facebook is to allow stalkers/Internet predators/identity thieves to view the personal information of others, and not presenting it is clearly not the way Facebook was intended to be used. I mean, is this person too good to let potentially dangerous people view his or her personal information?

#9: Too Many Favorites

This person has listed roughly 80 different bands under "favorite music." I think the idea there was to list your favorite music - not every band that you have ever listened to. I think the "favorite" descriptor loses some of its effect when there are so many of them. The same goes for movies. It's okay to have a lot of favorites, but I think having more than 50 is excessive. If I have to scroll down to get to the bottom of your favorites list, it is a sign that you have too many.

#8: The Tilde (~)

Okay, so this isn't really a Facebook profile thing - it's everywhere. However, the place I notice it most is in Facebook, so it's on this list. The main complaint here is that people tend to think that the tilde is an acceptable substitute for a hyphen. "Look! A wavy hyphen! I'm gonna use it!" The tilde is most often misused when attributing some platitude (usually a profound statement about life) to a person. This is unacceptable. No matter how pretty and wavy the tilde is, it is not a substitute for a hyphen. I've even seen it used in place of quotation marks around a quote. It's disgusting.

#7: The Drinking Picture

Yeah, yeah. It's cool to get wasted every night and you are going to let everyone on Facebook know just how much of an alcoholic you are. Welcome to college, where everyone does that. You are not special because you are drinking in your picture and no one is impressed. Why not put up a picture of something you enjoy that isn't drinking so that others might actually see what you enjoy? Or maybe the only thing you enjoy is drinking, which is entirely possible.

#6: "Random Pics"

So, Facebook decided to implement photo albums and every person decided to do it. Unfortunately, every person titled his or her album "Random Pics." This tells the casual stalker nothing whatsoever about the album. Alright, so the pictures don't really have anything to do with one another. Still, "random" refers to a situation with an uncertain outcome - try something along the lines of "miscellaneous," or even cooler, "grab bag."

#5: Only Visible to Friends

This goes along with #10. Just what is this person trying to hide? Is he or she secretly working for a government agency? Or is the person scared? He or she needs to realize that joining Facebook is a commitment to let stalkers, etc. see people's personal information.

#4: The Fake Picture

I'm not talking about a cleverly Photoshopped picture of the person's face on something. What I'm referring to is the blatantly obvious picture of a celebrity, or better yet, something that isn't even a person. I mean, it's funny to misrepresent one's self - once. However, it quickly grows old after the person has the same fake picture up for months. You're not fooling anyone into thinking you are Superman, and it stopped being funny after two days. Put up a real picture.

#3: "You've Been Hit by the (...) Truck!"

Anyone that posts this on my wall will have his post deleted immediately. The ASCII art almost never works out as intended and ends up looking like a garbled mess. And yet, this never stops people from posting this pile of garbage onto another person's wall. Finally, there are so many variations of this worthless message that it has completely lost its effect. In fact, anyone that posts this crap should immediately be sent a reply: "You've been hit by the 'Not on My Friends List Anymore' Truck!"

#2: The Untagger

There's always someone like this: someone who is too cool to have a mildly compromising picture on Facebook. Oh no, the person's sterling reputation has been ruined by one embarrassing picture! This person needs to grow up and realize that no one cares. Sure, the picture might be worth a laugh, but honestly, nothing on Facebook should be taken seriously.

#1: Girls Married to Other Girls

What is the deal with that? This isn't a political statement, as I wouldn't care if it were actually true. But I have this haunting suspicion that, in actuality, the vast majority of the girls on Facebook are not married to another girl. So why do 95% of the girls on Facebook do this? Do they think it is funny? Maybe it was funny the first time. But after every girl at Miami did this, it got old. It's an overused joke that just won't die.

So there you have it - the second installment of my excessive negativity. Even if you have some of these in your profile, I don't hate you, as everyone makes mistakes. The key is to recognize your mistakes and fix them. So get on it. Seriously.
© 2024 Greg Hendricks
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