Top Ten Things I Hate About Plenty of Fish Profiles
So, I don't use any online dating sites, but Plenty of Fish is free and some of my friends use it, so I've started looking at profiles on the site to see what it's like. Don't get excited - I'm not going to actually use the site. However, I've noticed that just about all of the profiles (I looked at females only) get me pissed because they are all basically the same. There's nothing I hate more than large groups of people doing something for no reason other than that others are doing it. And thus was born unto the world: "Top Ten Things I Hate About Plenty of Fish Profiles".
Everyone wants to travel to Australia, Europe, Cambodia, Chile, Swaziland, blah, blah, blah. People who put this in their profile are trying to sound adventurous and diverse, but in actuality they sound just like every other profile. Everyone on the face of the earth (myself excluded) wants to travel around the world on someone else's money. Tossing this "stock interest" into your profile doesn't add anything.
#9: Four wheeling/"mudding"
This might just be because I live in horking Kentucky, but I've noticed an abundance of interest in four wheeling. I have never participated in this sort of event, and probably never will. It strikes me as being in the same boat as huntin' and fishin'. And then there is "mudding", which I assume means driving a jeep through some mud. Which sounds positively delightful. Wait, what?
#8: Interests: "Just ask"
Too lazy to think of something to fill in for your interests? Too scared that someone ON THE INTERNET might know that you like to read books??! Good thing you can just throw this cop out into your profile. I bet everyone that reads this thinks: "You know what? I will ask! Even though it will take much more time and effort than just clicking the next profile." Because online dating has nothing to do with the idea of exerting minimal effort.
#7: Joining the military
"Hi, my name is XXXX and I'm joining the Navy in September. I can't wait!!" If you are joining the military, you are going to be gone for the next four years. What the hork are you doing on a dating site?
#6: "Tired of games"/"looking for a real man"
With the frequency of this exact phrase, one can only assume that every male lives for the sole purpose of "playing" females. And while I agree that most people on the site are probably jerks, I'm fairly skeptical that every female has been played. And then there's the bit about looking for a "real" man. I'm curious as to what it means to be real. Are men that do not share your interests somehow not keeping it real? I guess what it really comes down to is that relationships that don't work out count as being played. By a man that isn't real. Right?
#5: Down to earth/laid back/easygoing
What are any of these even supposed to mean? These stock traits are in so many profiles, I practically skip right over them. To me, being down to earth means being practical and realistic rather than abstract and whimsical. Being laid back means being calm and carefree. When you had your second child as a single parent, you immediately stopped being practical, realistic, calm, and carefree.
I know. Everyone loves dogs more than TV and coffee combined. I went in expecting to be assaulted by this interest, but what really pisses me off is the frequency with which it is typed in caps. It's like the person was typing her interests on the fly and then hit a neurological speed bump and had a finger spasm. What is so great about DOGS, anyway? DOGS are loud, smelly, nasty, and annoying. You have to take them outside several times a day or they leave you a disgusting present. And most of all, DOGS attack people for no reason. Hork yes they do. I've been attacked by an unprovoked DOG twice, and have witnessed a third one attack my dad, resulting in a hospital trip. Never again will I have anything to do with DOGS.
#3: "I know what I want"
It's true; having a good idea of what you are looking for in a date is good. However, I've noticed that quite a few females use this phrase to justify unrealistic demands: "I'm a laid back, down to earth girl who only wants to date a guy that drives a fast car and likes to go mudding, but will stay at home and take care of my 6-month-old daughter because I KNOW WHAT I WANT." Well, I want to play video games and never work again. Does being aware of that make it any more realistic?
#2: First Date: "I am up for anything"
Plenty of Fish has a field that allows the user to enter things he or she might like to do on a first date. However, it is instead most commonly used to say that the user would not like to go see a movie because it's not exciting enough. And I can live with that; movies aren't for everyone. What I can't understand is when people fill in something to the effect of "I like anything." No, you don't. But even if you do, the point of the question is to come up with ideas so that people can get a better feel for your personality. Simply saying that you like anything is equivalent to answering "I don't know", which is frustrating for just about any reader.
#1: "I have a XX-month-old son/daughter and s/he is my world."
Why do so many young people on this site have children? Have they no self control? No common sense? No local adoption agency? Who knows? But anyway, moving on. What I've noticed is that quite literally 80% or more of the females with children use the phrase that their child "is their world." I seriously cannot believe how many people use those exact words. It has become another copy-and-paste phrase for profiles.
So there you have it - another installment of rage. I'd like to restate that I only looked at the profiles of women. If I looked at men's profiles, I'd probably come up with an entirely different list of things I hate.
© 2013 Greg Hendricks